The Troubles of Being a Marine Combat Veteran

Why am I so good at being a Marine and so bad at being a father and husband?  Has the war changed me that much or has it just brought to the surface what I have been all along?  Why is it that I can make so many good decisions when I’m in uniform but can’t seem to hold a meaningful conversation with my wife?  Everyone who went to combat with me would go back without a moment’s hesitation and yet I have a hard time going to the store with my family because it might involve having to have a conversation that requires me to express a feeling or an emotion.  I can, and have on many occasions stood in front of my Marines and given classes on varying topics relating to warfare.  Why then do I have such a hard time talking to my family?  We have all been trained in combat and what to do in every situation.  We have thousands of classes, books, after action reports, but little to nothing of how to talk to my wife about the way I feel.  Hell I’m not even supposed to have feelings!  I’m the very person who told my platoon to leave their feelings at home.  I can kill the enemy and actually sleep better that night!  I’m a damn good Marine!!!  Why can’t I be as good a husband and father?  Am I supposed to come home and just flip a switch and everything go back to the way it was before the war?  Is my family to act as if those 7 months never happened?  My psychological scars get deeper as the days go by.  Do I miss the adrenaline?  Do I miss the respect of my men, the camaraderie?  Or do I miss the chance that the next bad guy that I killed would be one of the ones that took away so many American lives.  Yes I feel that I have some unfinished business in Iraq.  That doesn’t sound rational, I know, but it’s the way I feel and that my friend is real!

So here I am not the man I used to be, not the man I want to be.  I’m stuck somewhere in the middle.  I know I can’t go back and I really don’t know how to go forward.  I’m like a ship lost at sea and my sails ripped from the storm, my compass broken and I’m taking on water fast.  It must have been a terrible thing for those Marines and Sailors of old that were caught in that position, I know it is for me.

--Anonymous--